It’s a recurring debate within BDSM and D/s circles: Can someone truly be a good Dominant without ever having submitted?
Some people believe a Dominant can only understand submission by experiencing it firsthand. Others argue that’s unnecessary — even counterproductive — for those whose nature and desires don’t lean submissive.
So, do Dominants actually benefit from having personally experienced submission? Let’s unpack both sides of this complex discussion.
The Argument For Experiencing Submission
Those who see value in Dominants trying submission often frame it as an exercise in empathy and perspective-taking. Experiencing even a taste of what it’s like to follow, to surrender, or to trust someone else’s control can deepen awareness of what a submissive may go through.
Some Dominants find that experimenting with submission helps them:
- Understand the vulnerability involved in obedience or surrender
- Recognize the psychological intensity of certain dynamics
- Develop a greater respect for trust, negotiation, and consent
- Appreciate how demanding submission can be — not weakness, but strength
There are Dominants who find that this limited experience informs their leadership style, softens their approach, or adds nuance to their dominance.
However, the key word here is some. This path isn’t universal, nor necessary.
The Argument Against It Being Necessary
For many Dominants, the idea of submitting feels completely unnatural — even antithetical to who they are. Dominance isn’t a performance for them; it’s an authentic expression of self.
These Dominants don’t need to experience submission to understand it, any more than a pilot needs to be a passenger to know how to fly a plane. Their understanding comes from:
- Research and education in safe, sane, and consensual play
- Observation of body language, reactions, and feedback
- Active communication with their submissive partners
- Empathy and intuition developed through emotional intelligence, not role reversal
A Dominant can learn about pain thresholds, restraint, and psychological responses without needing to switch roles. Many test their own implements for safety — to understand the physics of the impact — but that’s very different from desiring or benefiting from submission itself.
For these individuals, dominance is leadership, structure, and control — not an act that requires inversion to master.
Why Some People Conflate “Bottoming” with “Submitting”
A lot of confusion in this debate comes from language.
Being a top and being a Dominant are not the same thing.
Being a bottom and being a submissive are not the same thing.
A top/bottom dynamic is about who does what.
A Dominant/submissive dynamic is about who holds authority.
So when someone says “a Dominant should bottom to understand submission,” what they may really mean is “a Dominant might benefit from feeling what their tools can do.” That’s not submission — that’s education.
The Psychological Side: Empathy Without Experience
It’s entirely possible — and often healthier — to develop empathy without having to personally live the opposite experience.
You don’t have to be a submissive to understand your submissive.
You just have to listen.
A Dominant who invests time in:
- Meaningful aftercare discussions
- Reading about submissive psychology
- Listening without defensiveness
- Valuing feedback as a gift
…will often develop far deeper insight than someone who simply “tried submission once.”
In other words: knowledge and emotional intelligence matter more than experiential sampling.
When Experiencing the Other Side Can Help
Still, for those who are naturally curious or switch-inclined, exploring the opposite role can be enlightening. A brief, consensual taste of submission might:
- Help refine one’s understanding of limits and pacing
- Offer insight into timing, intensity, or triggers
- Strengthen empathy through direct sensory awareness
But this is optional, not required. It’s a matter of personality, curiosity, and dynamic.
The Core Truth: Dominance Is Leadership, Not a Lesson Plan
At its core, dominance is not a performance you perfect through imitation — it’s a relationship of responsibility, communication, and control.
A Dominant does not need to have been controlled to understand control.
They simply need to be attuned, intentional, and educated.
For some, experimenting across the power spectrum may enrich perspective. For others, it’s irrelevant or even uncomfortable — and that’s valid.
There is no universal rite of passage in BDSM. There is only growth, honesty, and self-awareness.
Final Thoughts
So, do Dominants benefit from having personally experienced submission?
Sometimes. But never necessarily.
It depends on the person, the dynamic, and the motivation. What truly makes a Dominant effective isn’t where they’ve stood on the slash — it’s how well they communicate, how safely they lead, and how deeply they understand the psychology of power exchange.
Whether you’ve walked both sides or stayed firmly on one, the best Dominants share one trait in common: they never stop learning.
