Why Being a Dominant Feels Harder Than Submitting
As someone who identifies as a switch, I’ve come to appreciate both sides of the D/s coin. I love the depth and intensity of submission, but the longer I explore this lifestyle, the more I’ve found myself drawn to Dominance—and, if I’m honest, increasingly challenged by it.
Why Does Dominance Feel So Much Harder?
For me, submission often feels like responding, flowing, yielding. There’s clarity in surrender. But Dominance? That’s where I start to second-guess. Not because I don’t want it—but because it feels like there’s more pressure.
Dominance, especially in a consensual D/s dynamic, isn’t just about giving orders. It’s about responsibility. It’s improvisation. Emotional presence. Creativity in motion.
At least that’s how it feels to me.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking:
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“What should I do next?”
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“How should I respond to this moment?”
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“What’s the right thing to say or guide her into doing now?”
That inner dialogue can spiral fast. It’s not that my sub is pressuring me to be entertaining—she’s not. But I’m putting that pressure on myself, chasing this idea that I need to be endlessly inspired, clever, and decisive in every moment.
The Responsibility of Leadership
Many seasoned Dominants reminded me that D/s isn’t a performance, and creativity isn’t the core of leadership—responsibility is. Being a Dom isn’t about orchestrating some theatrical experience. It’s about presence. It’s about knowing your partner, communicating well, and leading from a place of confidence—not perfectionism.
One comment that hit home for me was this:
“What if instead of thinking, ‘What should I do?’ you asked, ‘What do I want right now?’”
That question flipped something in me. I realized that a lot of my struggle wasn’t about Dominance itself—it was about how I’ve been taught to second-guess my desires. To overthink instead of act. To fear “messing up” instead of learning through doing.
Advice for Growing as a Dominant
So, what have I learned on this journey? Here are the most valuable insights I’ve gathered—from others, from introspection, and trial and error:
1. Stop Chasing Perfection
There is no “perfect Dom.” What matters is how you show up. Leadership doesn’t require you to be flawless—it asks you to be present and accountable.
2. Ask Yourself: What Do You Want?
Dominance is not about fulfilling some imagined script—it’s about desire and intentionality. Make choices based on what fulfills you and your partner, not what you think a “real Dom” would do.
3. Use Regular Check-Ins
One incredibly practical tool I was introduced to: Weekly check-ins with your submissive. You each share:
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Good (what went well),
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Better (what could be improved),
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and Next (your actionable next steps as the Dominant).
This simple ritual promotes clarity, reflection, and growth—for both of you.
4. Seek Feedback & Community
You can’t grow in isolation. Talk to your submissive. Ask other Dominants what they’ve learned through their mistakes. Reflect on your actions and reactions. And always stay open to adjusting.
5. Remember the Submissive’s Role
Many Dominants in the community reminded me that the submissive is not just “following orders”—they’re contributing to the relationship just as much. Their responsibility is real. It’s a shared journey.
So don’t forget: you’re not flying solo. Your submissive is a partner in building the dynamic, and their feedback is one of your most valuable tools for growth.
6. Use Your Switch Insight
As a switch, I asked myself:
“What do I want in a Dominant when I’m the one submitting?”
That question helped me clarify the traits I value—safety, trust, presence, decisiveness—and then embody those traits in my own Dominance. I don’t need to be someone else’s version of a Dom. I can be mine.
The Real Metric for Growth
What does it really mean to “be a better Dom”? It’s not about being more creative, more forceful, or more experienced than someone else. It’s about this:
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Are you and your partner growing together?
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Are your needs being met?
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Are you communicating honestly?
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Are you building a foundation of trust, fulfillment, and care?
Because if so, you’re already doing the real work.
Dominance isn’t easy—but it shouldn’t be. It’s a role that holds deep power and deep responsibility. And like any meaningful role in life—parent, partner, leader—it takes time, self-awareness, and the courage to keep showing up, even when you feel uncertain.
Whether you’re a switch exploring your dominant side, a new Dom finding your footing, or a seasoned Top re-centering after years of experience, the truth remains:
You never stop learning. You never stop becoming.
And that’s the real beauty of this path.
